Checking into Reality

All weekend I wanted more and more stuff.  By Sunday night, I was almost in a bad mood, because I couldn't figure out how I was going to get everything I wanted.  Then my mom sent me an email telling me to check a family friend's caring bridge site.  I pulled up the site and was immediately brought to tears.  This friend could be living his last few days and I was worried about not getting the bathmat I wanted.  WOW.  Reality Check for me.  As I continued to read his wife's blog, more tears began to flow.  It made me think about what a waste of time it had been worrying about all the stuff I wanted.  I needed that realization...life was becoming to much about consumption of tangible, meaningless things that week.  Totally against what I believe to be what give us meaning and purpose.  It is funny how we can be "checked in" with reality and then a few days later we just check out.  We need reminders daily to help us stay on track.  I sure did.  My life isn't about the stuff I have, but about how I live my life utilizing my strengths and weaknesses to fulfill my purpose.  I need to listen to myself a little bit more, i guess.  Life is a lot more than dessert plates and bathmats. 

Why is it so hard to be different?

Thinking about the title for this post I wanted to call it "why is it so hard to be Jesus like"...but I knew that answer...then I thought what about "why is it so hard to do the right thing"...but who is to say what is right in every situation.  So I came up with why is it so hard to be different and what I mean is why is it so hard to go against the norm.  Like of course, we think of big things like if someone is being bullied or beaten we would call for help, but that doesn't happen everyday where I live.  What about the small things?  What I am saying is, not knocking people for their choice in clothes, weight, significant other, or even their beliefs.  How about not worrying about how you look in public and just being you.  I mean, why do you HAVE to put on makeup, shower, and make sure you look your best EVERY time you leave the house.  I understand it is a comfort issue, but if you do it because you are worried about what others (speculation) would think DON'T!! 

What brought me to this whole topic has been my journey of self discovery like I have talked about before.  I have been reading many books, reflecting, and truly listening to others around me, taking time to really think about what all of this means for my life and my purpose.  I feel that it is so easy to just slip into being "Normal" because it is so easy to do!!  I mean here is an example.  Through the last 5 years I have come to be a more empathic person, but it is so easy to block out and make fun of others. (I am not talking about venting...I am talking about a continual practice.) Why?  Well I know it is probably to make me feel better, but does that make it ok?  HELL NO!  so why do I do it?  Because it is normal...it is easy! It doesn't hurt anyone at that moment...but it makes us sick inside.  We keep feeding the beast and making it OK!  That is not something that Jesus would do and for those of you who are Christians, you believe that we are only here because of him.  We are not here to do whatever we want, to make our life easy and to make ourselves feel satisfied...there is a purpose for our being here.

When I think of my own life, it would be so easy for me to do what every normal 22 year old is supposed to do according to our crazy world.  Finish college, save money, then get married, buy a home, have kids, work-work-work, buy a bigger house, get nicer cars, maybe a dog or two.  Then send your prized possessions off to college and they start the whole process again.  And guess what...this will probably be my life, but it won't happen without a fight!  I want to fight for not being normal and I don't mean that I like classical music and westerns, I mean I do what is not normal in my treatment of others, my daily routine, my thought process, my actions.  Of course we are all different in what we like and do, but what about what REALLY makes a DIFFERENCE!  That is what is so hard; making a difference.  Jesus didn't take the easy route and live the NORMAL life, he did the opposite, endured pain and suffering, but he made an AMAZING difference.

My hope is that more people can go against the grain and stop being normal.  It is hard and in the little ways that I have tried so far in my life I have been yelled at, had eye rolls, and been made fun of, but I know that is how it will be.  I believe life is not about getting by with roses and sugar plums.  It makes you sad and sucks a lot!  but the moments of pure joy and happiness make up for all of that and the difference you can make with the knowledge and drive you have is worth it. Be different.

Memories

Today I was driving in the car to work and I heard the song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce.  As soon as I hear that song I think of Capetown, South Africa, a beautiful lodge or the mountain side with incredible people.  It specifically takes me to a meeting room, like a lecture hall, and I see a skinny, 35 year old white women doing the dance moves Beyonce does to this song.  This lady is the founder of an amazing organization called Africa Jam.  I will be touched by that experience and her forever.  I love this memory of my trip to Africa and to Africa Jam.  It makes me smile and takes me back to those warm nights full of singing and laughing. 
There are many triggers in life that bring back memories.  I remember learning about all of that in Psych in HS and College, but the names are blanking on me now, some sort of amnesia??  Mr. Hovland would hear Paula Abdoul and that would immediately remind him of a bus. (i think)  Anyways...these memories are so amazing.  They teach us even after we have gone through the experience.  Yes, some memories are painful, and not something we want to re-visit.  Even with those memories lessons are learned, you see patterns, and clues to questions you may have that help you understand yourself and your situation more.  Over anything else in the world, I believe that our memories/experiences are our greatest gift.  We try to capture things in pictures, but that is art...we try to reenact or retell, but it never again is the same.  That is why it is so important to live in the moment!  If you don't you don't have them memories.  You wish time away, complain about another thing, and always want something more.  Living in the moment creates these memories, good or bad.  It is hard to live in the moment in our world; we always want to be more successful, get a head start, and try to get to the next best thing.  We suffer when we behave like this.  I do it ALL the time.  I am so bad at living in the moment and I have suffered greatly, but I am making a change.  I am not going to hold back my ideas or thoughts that could help someone because I don't have the time to sit and talk, because at 9 my favorite show comes on and I can't miss it.  OR I can't enjoy this 1/2 hour coffee break with my dad, because I have so many other things to do.  Live in the moment, know every minute and don't let everyday pass by with out being present.

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.  ~Author Unknown
The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.  ~L. Thomas Holdcroft
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.  ~Alexander Graham Bell

Deeper

How come it is so difficult to admit faults, disabilities, and problems?  Is it that we are worried they will make us look bad?  Are we in denial?  Are we confused or have a different understanding about what a fault or problem is?  I don't know, but everywhere I am I hear people making excuses, calling one thing something it so blatantly isn't.  I got to wondering why?  Why do we want to cover things up...brush them under the rug and pretend like it is no big deal and that things will work out?  This happens all the time in my family.  We are REALLY good at sweeping things under the rug and not dealing, but let me tell you when you lift up the rug it is REALLY dirty under there.  I also know that when you can be open and honest with your family/friends/co-workers about whatever you may be shoving under the "rug" things change; they get better or easier to deal with on a day to day scale.  You have a support system and you are not putting up a front to keep your image.  You are real.  WOW, real; being you, genuine with no false identities.  Is there anyone out there like this?  In the world we live in today, I find it very hard to be real; to be who you are with all of your faults, strengths, talents, and weaknesses.  Everyone has them, but it seems like we are supposed to have more strengths than weaknesses.  OOH there I go with supposed to!
 During my college experience, I was privileged to meet with an amazing counselor who really clicked for me. She would always say..."ah ah ah ah there you go again...there are no supposed to-s, you are you and you need to be you, not what you think you are supposed to be like!"  I will never forget that.  Every time I say that word it takes me back and grounds me.  I remember to be real, with all of my faults, weaknesses, talents, disabilities, problems, and strengths.  Just because I have a visual comprehension weakness, I don't let it define me or make me feel bad.  You need to be who you are to help others. (Back to my serving others kick!)  If you can be an example and show others how to be real, the way we live could change...and even if it doesn't you will have made an impact for someone.  That is amazing!  So be real and be you, and don't let other ideas, images, or perceptions change what makes you who you are.  Admit who you are...be real and life will be wonderful, not because everything will go perfectly or like you want it to, but because you will be ready to handle everything that comes your way, being it is sad, exciting, exhausting, or heartbreaking.

The truth is powerful; live your life by the truth.

People

I was at the Mall of America this weekend and when moving from store to store I saw some "different" people.  I didn't think too much of it until later that night I heard someone talking negatively about one of my family members.  Then I started to think about it.  I was truly judging the people at the mall and I didn't even know them.  Why do I do that??  Really this family member that I was ready to defend has done many so called "bad" things, but I still claim them...I still want to defend them...I still love them.  So why do others not get this same respect or treatment?  Obviously there is a connection with family, but we don't choose our family.  What if that girl at the mall was my sister?...I think she is weird wearing that shirt(or whatever), but if it was my sister I would defend her and still think she was awesome.  And more than not she is probably someone's sister.  There is someone who thinks similar ways about that "weird" girl that I do about my sister no matter how weird she is.  It just reminds me that we should treat each other with respect...we don't know the whole story, and we love our family no matter what.  So don't judge, but love, even if they are weird to you.

Blame...why can't we take it?

Blame has always been confusing to me.  People can't take being blamed but then we are criticized for not being able to take the blame when it is our fault. I looked up at Dictionary.com what they define the word blame as.

–verb (used with object)

1. to hold responsible; find fault with; censure: I don't blame you for leaving him.

2. to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.) (usually fol. by on ): I blame the accident on her.

3. Informal . blast; damn (used as a mild curse): Blame the rotten luck.

–noun

4. an act of attributing fault; censure; reproof: The judge said he found nothing to justify blame in the accident.

5. responsibility for anything deserving of censure: We must all share the blame for this deplorable condition.

 

So, in my own words I see it as saying taking responsibility for a fault that you had been involved with at some time.  Why can't we take the blame?  Why is this word or the idea of blame have a negative connotation?  A lot of times I hear consoling...people telling others, " No it is not your fault you are not to blame," but what if you are...why can't we own up to that and move on.  I feel that we need to be true and look at what is really happening.  If you are to blame take that stand, but don't use it to make your life miserable or for others to feel sorry for you, it is a lesson. 

 

An example that comes to my head is from conversations in my own family.  We are a family of great love, but very private.  Our outside is not the same as our inside and I believe many families to be this way...probably most.  In my family, we have struggles and we have been playing the blame game.  I look at it this way.  In a family you all have an influence over each other.  If you are giving advice, teaching, or modeling you are influencing or effecting each others lives.  So when something goes right or wrong you have a part in it, meaning you are up for praise or blame.  In this specific situation in my family, my loving sister is struggling with some usual things of moving to college and some not so usual.  My parents are worried and trying to figure out why.  We have had many talks about enabling, decisions, and modeled behavior.  They take some blame or fault in this.  My parents feel bad...as most people do when they are to be blamed for something, but why?  Why do you feel bad?  Why can't you feel a sense of relief that you can change your behavior?  You have solved some of the problem and you really learn about yourself in the end as well. 

 

 I think that parents struggle with this.  If their dear child hurts or goes through a difficult time they can't bear it.  They don't know why or what to do.  In my opinion, our parents will always be to blame for how we turn out.  Not all of it, but how can you say that they do not have an influence if they teach you most things in life from 0-18 and beyond?  You are also a factor in their success.

 

My advice as a non parent (not too credible, but I do work with kids closely and daily, where I believe I have an influence on them, meaning I take blame):

Yes you are to blame.  Realize it and turn it into something good.  Your parents are to blame for some of the negatives in your life and it goes all the way back.  We are not perfect people, we strive to do our best, but we mess up.  We don't parent perfectly and we don't live perfectly, but if we never take the blame or compliment we never know the truth.  So take the blame and then move forward.  Blame doesn't have to be a negative word...it can be an answer to a problem and you can move forward from there.

 

 

"A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else."
John Burroughs

 

"History is the story of events, with praise or blame."
Cotton Mather

New Years Resolution

This year my resolution is to do more!  I told my family that my New Years resolution was to cook and exercise more.  Then I started thinking, I need to just do more; do more than spend many hours in front of the TV, lounging around, and surfing the Internet.  This will not be easy, but I am going to try.  I have a journal that I will use to write down what I do each day to see when I waste my time NOT doing.  Of course my favorite thing to do is lounge (and I know we NEED lounging around time) so I am not going to cut this from my life, but make it not be the only thing I do or the thing I look forward to doing each day.  I feel this will allow me to have more energy, be healthier, and feel more satisfied.  Like most resolutions, they usually never seem to end successfully.  I am hoping that this will last!  What is your new years resolution?  Make sure to have it be attainable!